Of Comparisons and Harry Potter
by Swing Girl At Heart
Summary: A comment from Rachel sparks a massive debate between the Glee clubbers, as documented by Facebook.  Minor Twilight bashing.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** So, as many of you have likely noticed, there's been a sudden wave of Facebook fics popping up in the Glee archives. And I thought I'd give it a whirl :)

* * *

**Finn Hudson** just saw Harry Potter 7 and it was AWEEESOOOMMEE.

**— **(**Kurt Hummel**,** Artie Abrams**, and **7 others **like this.)

**—Finn Hudson:** Who's up for seeing it twice?

**—Kurt Hummel:** As long as you and Rachel are not making out during the movie, I'd be more than willing.

**—Artie Abrams:** Seconded.

**—Rachel Berry:** I resent that, Kurt.

**—Artie Abrams: **…What was there to resent?

**—Rachel Berry: **The fact that Kurt thinks that I'd turn my head away from the screen for even a millisecond during a showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

**—Artie Abrams:** Hold up. You're an HP fan?

**—Mercedes Jones:** Hold up. You value Harry Potter more than tonsil-hockey with Frankenteen?

**—Rachel Berry:** As shocking as it might be, I am as ardent a Harry Potter fan as most of you. And Finn and I have plenty of chances to be intimate with each other away from the public eye. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows IN THEATERS only comes around once. Therefore, more valuable.

**— **(**Finn Hudson **likes this.)

**—Kurt Hummel:** Finn, YOU value Harry Potter more than tonsil-hockey with Rachel?

**—Finn Hudson:** Rachel's right, dude. Once in a lifetime opportunity.

**—Kurt Hummel:** And this coming from the man who prayed to Grilled Cheesus to touch Rachel's boobs.

**— **(**Noah Puckerman** likes this.)

**—Rachel Berry:** FINN!

**—Finn Hudson: **DUDE. That is NOT cool. And how did you even find out about that?

**—Kurt Hummel:** You weren't exactly discreet during your Jesus phase.

**—Finn Hudson:** *headdesk*

**—Finn Hudson:** Ow.

* * *

**Rachel Berry **has just realized the shocking parallels between herself and Hermione Granger.

**— **(**Finn Hudson**, **Kurt Hummel**, and **9 others** like this.)

**—Finn Hudson:** Then that totally makes me Ron!

**— **(**Rachel Berry** likes this.)

**—Kurt Hummel:** Those characters DO rather fit well.

**—Finn Hudson:** And Artie is Harry!

**— **(**Brittany Pierce** likes this.)

**—Artie Abrams:** Wait, why am I Harry?

**—Finn Hudson:** 'Cause you're the Boy Who Lived. And you like actually wear glasses.

**—Artie Abrams:** Did you just say that I'm Harry Potter because I have bad eyesight and I've had a near-death experience?

**—Noah Puckerman:** Dude, are you seriously arguing with that? You just got compared to Harry Freakin' Potter.

**—Artie Abrams:** Point taken. *shuts up*

**—Finn Hudson:** I win :D

**—Tina Cohen-Chang:** Oh my god, and Kurt is Colin Creevey!

**— **(**Finn Hudson**, **Artie Abrams**, and **10 others** like this.)

**—Mercedes Jones: **Aaaww! That's so cute!

**—Kurt Hummel:** NO. DON'T START.

* * *

**Finn Hudson** If I'm Ron and Rachel's Hermione and Artie's Harry…who's Malfoy?

**—Noah Puckerman:** Quinn. Definitely Quinn.

**— **(**Mercedes Jones**, **Artie Abrams**, and **10 others** like this.)

**—Quinn Fabray:** So not okay with this.

**—Kurt Hummel:** WHY is this still going on?

**—Santana Lopez:** If Quinn being Malfoy makes Britt and me Crabbe and Goyle, then I'm not okay with it either.

**—Artie Abrams:** No way – Azimio and Karofsky are Crabbe and Goyle.

**—Quinn Fabray:** I don't hang out with them!

**—Artie Abrams:** *ignores*

**—Quinn Fabray:** Artie... *rolls up sleeves*

**—Artie Abrams:** *is scared*

**—Quinn Fabray:** And anyway, I'M NOT A GUY. Why couldn't SAM be Malfoy? He's blond!

**—Mercedes Jones:** Yeah, but he's got the whole righteous thing going for him, so he's probably Cedric Diggory.

**—Sam Evans:** I'm not sure I'm okay with being the dude who dies.

**—Noah Puckerman:** I'm totally Voldemort.

**—Mercedes Jones:** I am WAY scarier than you, Mohawk.

**— **(**Kurt Hummel**, **Artie Abrams**, and **10 others** like this.)

**—Rachel Berry:** I believe that the Weasley twins are a better fit for you, Noah.

**—Noah Puckerman:** I'm not a ginger! And I wanna be a bad guy.

**—Artie Abrams:** Why do you want to be a bad guy? All the bad guys dress funny.

**—Noah Puckerman:** So? They're badass, I'm badass…

**—Rachel Berry:** I'm offended that you don't think Fred and George are worthy of the term 'badass'!

**— **(**Finn Hudson**, **Artie Abrams**, and **9**** others** like this.)

**—Kurt Hummel:** I never thought I'd say this, but I have to agree with Rachel.

**—Mercedes Jones:** If Puck's so bent on being a bad guy, then he can be Lucius Malfoy. They've both got the funky-hairdo thing going for them.

**—Kurt Hummel:** I just pictured Puck with long blond hair and threw up a little.

**—Noah Puckerman:** If it means I get a snakehead cane, I am totally cool with that.

**—Santana Lopez:** Sooooo many innuendos...

— (**Noah Puckerman** likes this.)

* * *

**Noah Puckerman **thinks that Lucius Malfoy is badass and everyone should just shut their mouths.

**—Kurt Hummel:** Again. Blond hair. Vomit-inducing. Though I do have to admit his cane is quite Vogue.

**—Finn Hudson:** Dude, did you SEE A Very Potter Sequel? Lucius was a ballerina!

**—Rachel Berry:** Finn, a male ballerina is called a ballerino.

**—Finn Hudson:** Whatever!

**—Noah Puckerman:** Dude, did you see Billy Elliot? Ballerinas can be badass too, y'know.

**—Kurt Hummel:** Oh god, the mental pictures… Please, please, PLEASE stop.

**—Noah Puckerman:** You're just denying that you love the image of me in a tutu.

**—Santana Lopez:** Puckerman, you are SERIOUSLY compromising your rep here.

**—Kurt Hummel:** THANK YOU, Santana. And, Puck, you do realize that you being Lucius would technically make you Quinn's dad, right?

**—Finn Hudson:** Dude. Ew.

**—Quinn Fabray:** I. AM. NOT. MALFOY.

* * *

**Finn Hudson —**** Tina Cohen-Chang:** I totally just realized that you're Cho Chang. :D

**—Tina Cohen-Chang:** What? Why? Because I'm Asian? I swear, if that's the reason you give, I will put my extensive collection of safety pins to use.

**—Finn Hudson:** Whoa, no! No, just cause Artie liked you and didn't end up with you in the end, but he was okay with it because he got Brittany, which makes her Ginny, which also makes her my sister… Huh, this is a long train of thought.

**—Brittany Pierce:** I didn't know I had a brother!

**—Tina Cohen-Chang:** Finn, if that's your logic for making me Cho, then by rights, I'd be dating Sam right now, but he's dating Quinn. So…Cedric is dating Malfoy?

**—Quinn Fabray:** *facepalm* I give up.

**—Sam Evans:** Wait...I thought we already cleared up that thing about me being gay?

**—Tina Cohen-Chang:** ...You totally missed the point of that, didn't you? I swear, you're Finn 2.0

**—Finn Hudson:** Not sure if that's an insult...

**—Sam Evans:** So...does that make me one of the Weasleys?

**—Tina Cohen-Chang:** No, it makes you Lavender Brown.

**—Sam Evans:** Wait, what? Now I'm confused.

**—Tina Cohen-Chang:** *sigh* Never mind. Internet sarcasm never carries over.

**—Finn Hudson:** Dude! Sam is Percy!

**—Kurt Hummel:** What? Why Percy?

**—Finn Hudson:** Cause he does everything by the rules! And Percy's the Head Boy, and Sam's the quarterback, so they're both leaders…

**—Kurt Hummel:** Finn, Percy abandoned his family and went to work for the Ministry because he was afraid of breaking the rules for the greater good. That's not leadership.

**—Sam Evans:** Who's Percy?

**—Noah Puckerman:** Dude, did you even READ the books? Seriously!

**—Kurt Hummel:** Oh god, I've agreed with Rachel Berry and Noah Puckerman in the same day. The apocalypse is nigh.

**—Sam Evans:** Well, I saw the movies, so…

**—Noah Puckerman:** You fail. So hard.

**— **(**Finn Hudson**, **Kurt Hummel**, and** 10 others** like this.)

**—Tina Cohen-Chang:** Okay, please stop spamming my notifications. Now.

* * *

**Quinn Fabray **would like everyone to know that Draco Malfoy is a foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach who can't fend for himself and just does what he's told by his parents and the Dark Lord. Therefore, he is the OPPOSITE of me.

**—Rachel Berry:** Well spoken, Quinn. I believe that in light of that new argument, we should reassign you to the position of Narcissa Malfoy.

**—Quinn Fabray:** I just can't get out of the family, can I?

**—Rachel Berry:** Well, you have to admit, there's not too many female characters who have the strength of character that you possess. There's Hermione, Ginny and Molly Weasley, Bellatrix Lestrange, Nymphadora Tonks, Professor McGonagall, Luna Lovegood… Narcissa is really the only one who suits you.

**—Quinn Fabray:** I could be Tonks!

**—Tina Cohen-Chang:** No. No way. I'm Tonks. End of discussion.

**—Rachel Berry: **Are you sure you wouldn't rather be Cho? Because Mike makes a wonderful Cedric, and I'm pretty sure that Mr. Schue would be Professor Lupin, which, if you're Tonks, crosses several lines that shouldn't be crossed.

**—Tina Cohen-Chang:** Whoa… Okay, yeah, I'm Cho. But Quinn is still Narcissa.

**—Mike Chang:** I am NOT cool with being the spare guy who dies and turns into a sparkly vampire.

**—Tina Cohen-Chang:** Aw, but Edward Cullen is hot!

**—Mike Chang:** He looks like someone punched him in the face when he was a baby and his bones were still soft.

**—Santana Lopez:** Do NOT turn this into a Twilight discussion.

**—Brittany Pierce:** Even I know Twilight blows.

**—Quinn Fabray:** Fine, I'm Narcissa. But don't expect me to be jumping for joy about it.

**—Rachel Berry:** Look on the bright side! At least it eliminates the incestuous element of your past relationship with Noah.

**—Quinn Fabray:** Stop talking. Now.

**—Rachel Berry:** Technically I'm typing ;)

**—Quinn Fabray:** And everyone hates a literalist.

**—Finn Hudson:** So...wait, who's gonna be Draco now?

**—Rachel Berry:** We need a foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach. It seems to me the answer is obvious.

**—Santana Lopez:** Quit your pausing-for-dramatic-effect bullshit.

**—Rachel Berry:** Fine. Draco is Jacob Ben Israel.

**— **(**Finn Hudson**, **Santana Lopez**, and **11 others** like this.)

* * *

**Rachel Berry** still thinks that **Noah Puckerman** is better suited to the Weasley twins.

**—Artie Abrams:** I have to agree – they're jokesters, womanizers…

**—Noah Puckerman:** Hey, I treat women great.

**—Quinn Fabray:** There's biological evidence to the contrary, you know.

**—Kurt Hummel:** Okay, all joking aside, can we please put this debate to an end?

**—Finn Hudson:** Aw, you're just sore that you ended up as Colin Creevey.

**— **(**Noah Puckerman**, **Rachel Berry**, and **10 others** like this.)

**—Kurt Hummel:** Rrrgh.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **is growing increasingly disturbed by his fellow Glee clubbers' insistence that we are all Harry Potter characters.

**—Finn Hudson:** Man, you're really taking the Colin Creevey thing hard...

**—Rachel Berry:** Kurt, would you like to be reassigned?

**—Rachel Berry:** Because I think you'd make an excellent Professor Snape.

**—Kurt Hummel:** WHAT.

**—Rachel Berry:** That was a joke, Kurt :D

**—Noah Puckerman:** Twenty points to Berry!

— (**Finn Hudson **and **Rachel Berry** like this.)

**—Kurt Hummel:** *headdesk*

* * *

**Brittany Pierce** I'm Dobby.

**—Rachel Berry:** ...

**—Artie Abrams:** No, Britt, you're Ginny Weasley. I refuse to date a house elf.

**—Rachel Berry:** I'm feeling the urge to reprimand you for such a racist comment, Artie.

**—Artie Abrams:** They're a different SPECIES, Rachel!

**—Kurt Hummel:** They're also FICTIONAL!

**—Artie Abrams:** Do NOT rain on the Harry Potter parade, yo!

**—Kurt Hummel:** Do NOT attempt gangsta-speak over Facebook! You're bad enough at it in real life.

**—Artie Abrams:** Oh, you're one to talk. And don't try to change the subject!

**—Rachel Berry:** Okay, you two, grab some music stands and settle this like real showmen.

* * *

**Artie Abrams** has just realized that **Santana Lopez** is Bellatrix Lestrange, and is now more terrified than ever.

**— **(**Santana Lopez **likes this.)

* * *

**A/N:** So...I'm actually not a huge fan of this. Let me know how I did and if you want me to possibly continue it.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **I have no words, other than HOLY _CRAP_ I was not expecting that response! Wow, thank you all so much for that! Hope you like this one as much as the first :D

* * *

**Kurt Hummel** would like to reiterate once again that he is NOT COLIN CREEVEY, DAMMIT.

—**Blaine Morgan:** I'm sorry?

—**Kurt Hummel:** You're not friends with the rest of the Glee club, so you haven't seen the horribly nerdy debate about who's who in Harry Potter.

—**Blaine Morgan:** What?

—**Blaine Morgan:** Ohhhh, I get it…

—**Blaine Morgan:** And you're Colin? HA! That's adorable.

—**Kurt Hummel:** Oh dear god, not you too.

— (**Blaine Morgan **likes this.)

* * *

**Blaine Morgan** and **Finn Hudson **are now friends.

—**Kurt Hummel:** Have you two even spoken in real life?

—**Finn Hudson:** No, but what kind of big brother would I be if I didn't facebook-stalk your potential boyfriend?

—**Kurt Hummel:** FINN.

* * *

**Rachel Berry** thinks that **Kurt Hummel** should be reassigned to the character of Gilderoy Lockhart.

— (**Finn Hudson**, **Noah Puckerman**, and **7 others** like this.)

—**Kurt Hummel:** That is OFFENSIVE.

—**Noah Puckerman:** Well, I think Hummel would make a better Dumbledore.

—**Kurt Hummel:** Okay, first of all, I would never wear a pointy hat. Second, as top-notch as my talent, skill, and fashion are, there is no one – NO ONE – alive or dead who could ever measure up to the wonderfulness that is Albus Dumbledore. And THIRD, if the reason you matched me to Dumbledore is because we're both gay, I will whack you upside the head with a tire iron.

—**Noah Puckerman:** Jeez, Hummel, always so violent.

— (**Blaine Morgan** likes this.)

* * *

**Rachel Berry** and **Blaine Morgan** are now friends.

—**Kurt Hummel:** Wait, what? Rachel, you too?

—**Rachel Berry:** As Glee captain, it would be irresponsible of me to knowledgably allow you to fraternize with a member of an enemy team without doing some intense background research. I will not allow another Jesse incident.

—**Kurt Hummel:** Oddly spoken with disdain.

—**Artie Abrams:** Does this make Jesse Professor Snape? You know…the douchebag double agent?

—**Finn Hudson:** Whoa...

—**Rachel Berry:** I believe it does.

* * *

**Blaine Morgan** – **Rachel Berry**: Personally, I think Kurt makes a better Ginny Weasley.

—**Kurt Hummel:** I CAN READ THIS.

—**Rachel Berry: **Oh my goodness, Blaine, you're right! Ginny is a perfect fit for Kurt!

—**Kurt Hummel:** True, aside from the fact that I'M NOT A GIRL.

—**Rachel Berry:** Honestly, Kurt, I don't see why you're getting upset over that. Ginny is everything we aspire to be – she's skilled, tough, good-looking, and she knows what she's good at. Exactly like you.

—**Kurt Hummel:** …I guess I could be Ginny…

—**Blaine Morgan:** Attaboy! …You're blushing right now, aren't you?

—**Kurt Hummel:** No!

—**Rachel Berry:** Also, the way Ginny was all starry-eyed over Harry at first was sort of reminiscent of your crush on Finn.

—**Kurt Hummel:** RACHEL. YOU PROMISED NOT TO BRING THAT UP AGAIN.

—**Rachel Berry:** :D

— (**Blaine Morgan **likes this.)

* * *

**Artie Abrams** – **Kurt Hummel:** No offense, dude, but if I'm Harry and you're Ginny, then that means we should be dating and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that.

—**Kurt Hummel:** None taken. I know you're just being faithful to Brittany.

—**Brittany Pierce:** Wait, who am I again?

—**Finn Hudson:** Oh shit, now that Kurt's Ginny we gotta figure something else out for Britt.

—**Rachel Berry:** As with the Jacob-Draco parallel, I'd think this would be obvious. Brittany is Luna Lovegood.

—**Artie Abrams:** *fist pump* Britt, I'm totally getting you radish earrings for our six-month anniversary.

—**Brittany Pierce:** Yay!

—**Kurt Hummel:** *vomits*

* * *

**Blaine Morgan** – **Kurt Hummel:** So…if you're dating Artie, does this mean I lost my shot?

—**Kurt Hummel:** That's not even FUNNY. I could never date a man who wears more vests than Mr. Schuester. No offense, Artie.

—**Artie Abrams:** None taken. You do realize that was a pickup line, though, right?

—**Kurt Hummel:** …Oh.

—**Artie Abrams:** Yeah.

—**Blaine Morgan:** :D

—**Kurt Hummel:** :D

—**Artie Abrams:** I'm gonna leave now.

* * *

**Artie Abrams** and **Blaine Morgan** are now friends.

—**Blaine Morgan:** Sweet. I'm friends with Harry Potter.

—**Artie Abrams:** Damn straight!

* * *

**Rachel Berry **has decided that since Kurt is Ginny, Blaine should be Harry Potter so that the two of them can fulfill their romantic dream without the guilt that would result of disrupting Artie and Brittany.

—**Kurt Hummel:** …You do realize that this is all a joke, right? And that Artie and Britt are not, in fact, Harry and Luna?

—**Rachel Berry:** Of course I do, Kurt. I'm very in touch with reality.

—**Mercedes Jones:** *snorts*

—**Rachel Berry:** I just think that Blaine would make a better Harry.

—**Artie Abrams:** No!

—**Blaine Morgan:** I'm enjoying this way more than I should be.

—**Finn Hudson:** Sweet! My little brother's dating Harry Potter!

— (**Blaine Morgan** likes this.)

—**Kurt Hummel:** WE ARE NOT DATING.

—**Blaine Morgan:** Why so defensive, Kurt? Have a crush? ;)

—**Kurt Hummel:** Ugh, not another AVPM reference.

—**Rachel Berry:** I hardly think it's fair that you should scorn us for making semi-obscure references to A Very Potter Musical and its sequel when you seem to understand all of the references yourself.

—**Finn Hudson:** Oh, buurrrrrrn! :D

— (**Blaine Morgan **likes this.)

—**Kurt Hummel:** *facepalm*

* * *

**Blaine Morgan** likes the view from the Harry Potter throne :D

—**Artie Abrams:** You bastard.

* * *

**Tina Cohen-Chang** still wants to be Tonks.

—**Rachel Berry:** I thought we agreed that since Mr. Schue would be Lupin, that would be in violation of several laws?

—**Mike Chang:** I'd much rather be Lupin than Cedric. Cedric sucks; he's a Hufflepuff.

—**Tina Cohen-Chang:** See, Rachel? We've run rings around you logically!

—**Mike Chang:** Was that a Monty Python reference?

—**Rachel Berry:** Fine, you two can be Tonks and Lupin. I suppose Mr. Schue could be Professor Flitwick.

—**Kurt Hummel:** O_O

* * *

**Blaine Morgan** and **Tina Cohen-Chang **are now friends.

—**Blaine Morgan:** Hi, Tonks!

—**Tina Cohen-Chang:** Hi, Harry!

—**Kurt Hummel: **…Seriously?

* * *

**Artie Abrams** is feeling sad now that he isn't Harry Potter.

—**Kurt Hummel:** And you thought I was sore over the Colin Creevey thing :)

—**Noah Puckerman:** Dude, you could be that Irish guy. Shames what's-his-face.

—**Rachel Berry:** His name is SEAMUS, Noah. Seamus Finnegan. And yes, that could be an excellent fit for Artie.

—**Noah Puckerman:** They're both short :D

—**Artie Abrams:** I'm short because I'm in a wheelchair!

—**Noah Puckerman:** Keep telling yourself that, dude.

—**Artie Abrams:** What does that even mean?

—**Finn Hudson:** I dunno, but I think you'd be a better James Potter.

—**Artie Abrams:** Yes! Thank you! I am totally cool with turning into a stag.

—**Santana Lopez: **Normally innuendos are cool. That one was not.

—**Artie Abrams:** *facepalm* Santana, you are the only one whose head is in the gutter.

—**Noah Puckerman:** No she's not :)

* * *

**Mercedes Jones** wants to be an Auror :D

—**Rachel Berry:** To be honest, I'm not sure that there's an Order of the Phoenix member who would suit you, Mercedes… Oh! Perhaps Molly Weasley?

—**Mercedes Jones:** If you think she and I are alike because we're both big, I will cut you.

—**Rachel Berry:** Think about it, Mercedes! Not only is she very maternal, but she's also incredibly tough and willing to do anything to protect her interests and what she believes in! That's you to a T!

—**Kurt Hummel:** Don't kill me, 'Cedes, but Rachel's got a point. You're Molly.

—**Mercedes Jones:** Oh god, I'm your mom.

—**Kurt Hummel:** Yes you are :) Which means you're also the mother of Finn, Puck, and Sam, which in turn gives you free license to hit the three of them as much as you please.

—**Mercedes Jones:** That makes me feel better. Boys better watch their backs :D

—**Finn Hudson:** *gulp*

—**Noah Puckerman:** Shit, I never signed up for that! And I thought I was Lucius Malfoy!

—**Kurt Hummel:** No, the blond hair was too much. You're Fred and George. Suck it up.

—**Santana Lopez:** Wanky…

—**Mercedes Jones:** You do remember that Molly killed Bellatrix, right? Yeah.

— (**Kurt Hummel** likes this.)

* * *

**A/N:** Leave a review! And Megan? I'm holding you to your promise. And you know I can always sic my version of Kurt on you :)


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Wow! Again, I am blown away by the massive response! Unfortunately, I think this is going to be the last chapter. I'm leaving it as a threeshot before it gets boring and repetetive. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this one :)

* * *

**Artie Abrams** is AMAZED by his girlfriend's skills in the kitchen :D

—**Finn Hudson:** Wait, Brittany can cook?

—**Mercedes Jones:** I thought she got confused with recipes.

—**Brittany Pierce:** I do. I don't get why I have to use a tablespoon for lemon juice; I thought it was for tables.

—**Artie Abrams:** To be honest, Britt, I don't get that either. So you're not alone on that one.

—**Brittany Pierce: **Yay!

—**Mercedes Jones:** Still not answering the question of how Brittany can cook…

—**Brittany Pierce:** I just don't use recipes. I make it up as I go.

—**Artie Abrams:** It's actually weirdly entertaining to watch her bake. She just kinda waltzes around the kitchen throwing things into the bowl and mixing while she does it. No measuring cups or anything. And before you know it, she gives you a plate of homemade cookies that taste like Betty Crocker herself baked them.

—**Brittany Pierce:** I call them brookies.

—**Finn Hudson:** Huh?

—**Brittany Pierce:** Brittany cookies are brookies :D

—**Mercedes Jones:** Yeah, you're definitely Luna.

—**Brittany Pierce:** I don't want to be a bat :(

—**Mercedes Jones:** Where the hell did you get that from?

—**Brittany Pierce:** Artie and I read a story about a bat who lost her mom and got raised by birds…

—**Artie Abrams:** Britt, that's Stellaluna. You're Luna Lovegood, and she's not a bat.

—**Brittany Pierce:** Oh, good :)

—**Artie Abrams:** :)

—**Brittany Pierce:** Wanna come over later? I cut my nails :D

—**Mercedes Jones:** Oh dear god.

—**Noah Puckerman:** GET SOME.

— (**Noah Puckerman **and **Artie Abrams** like this.)

* * *

**Quinn Fabray** just got back from Cheerios practice. Sue Sylvester is definitely Umbridge.

—**Mercedes Jones:** Heheh. I just pictured Ms Sylvester with a big pink bow and fluffy kittens instead of trophies.

—**Kurt Hummel:** I'm never taking her seriously again :D

* * *

**Mike Chang** If I'm Remus Lupin, then I'm the Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, which makes me totally badass :D

— (**Tina Cohen-Chang** likes this.)

—**Kurt Hummel:** Thank you, Captain Obvious. Though, I'm a little worried that you're going to try to defeat the Dark Lord with the powers of dance.

—**Mike Chang:** Well, he was a dancer in AVPM, so, yeah, it's worth a shot.

—**Kurt Hummel:** *facepalm*

* * *

**Blaine Morgan **and **Mike Chang** are now friends.

—**Blaine Morgan:** What kind of person would Harry be if he wasn't Facebook friends with his Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher? :)

—**Mike Chang:** A very good question indeed.

—**Brittany Pierce:** Wait, wizards have Facebook now?

* * *

**Finn Hudson** thinks we should get Mr. Schue to switch the name of the club to Dumbledore's Army!

—**Kurt Hummel:** Finn, we're a SHOW CHOIR. Not an army.

—**Finn Hudson:** Okay, but you gotta admit, New Directions is kind of a shitty name.

—**Kurt Hummel:** Fair point. Regardless, we are not renaming the club Dumbledore's Army.

—**Finn Hudson:** Pretty please?

—**Kurt Hummel:** No.

—**Finn Hudson:** I have puppy dog eyes, and I know how to use them.

—**Kurt Hummel:** Ohhhh no you don't. You can't pull that on me; I practically INVENTED the puppy dog eyes.

* * *

**Tina Cohen-Chang – Artie Abrams:** Hey, Seamus :)

—**Artie Abrams:** Wait, what? I thought we agreed that I was James Potter!

—**Tina Cohen-Chang:** I don't care, I'm just trying to push your buttons :)

—**Artie Abrams:** Seriously? You're bringing up more breakup fighting NOW? On FACEBOOK?

—**Tina Cohen-Chang:** If you're gonna say something, say it loud :D

—**Artie Abrams:** God, you're immature. You should've been Lavender Brown.

—**Brittany Pierce:** Tina, be nice to my boyfriend, or I'll unleash the Nargles.

* * *

**Noah Puckerman** – **Rachel Berry:** So…I just figured out that you being Hermione and St. James being Snape completely proves my theory that those two totally had it going on :D

—**Finn Hudson:** AGH! DISLIKE! DISLIKE!

—**Rachel Berry:** I am DISGUSTED that you even HAD that theory, Noah! Not only would a romantic relationship between Hermione and Professor Snape break several laws that I'm sure both Professor Dumbledore and the Ministry had laid down, but it would also violate Hermione's steely moral code! And besides that, Hermione (along with everyone in Gryffindor House) HATED Snape until after his death when they finally discovered he was working for Dumbledore! Where on earth would you GET that theory?

—**Kurt Hummel:** Oh, please. Puckerman just wants to see all the HP characters in an orgy.

—**Noah Puckerman:** Dude, that is NOT true. McGonagall can keep her clothes ON, thanks.

—**Kurt Hummel:** …Ew.

—**Mike Chang:** What's been imagined cannot be unimagined. Thanks a lot, Puck.

—**Noah Puckerman:** That was totally Hummel's fault!

—**Mercedes Jones:** Be nice to your sister! *smacks*

—**Noah Puckerman:** You know, that works a lot better when you're actually in the same room as me.

—**Mercedes Jones:** I know. That's why I'm looking forward to first period Spanish tomorrow.

—**Noah Puckerman:** Ah, shit.

—**Kurt Hummel:** Puckerman! Respect your mother!

—**Blaine Morgan:** You people are weird. I like you :D

* * *

**Finn Hudson** – **Rachel Berry:** Hey so…can we try to get Mr. Schue to rename the club The Chudley Cannons?

—**Rachel Berry:** While I appreciate your input, Finn, the Chudley Cannons are one of the most mocked teams in professional Quidditch, and as such, it would be bad luck to name the Glee club after them.

—**Finn Hudson:** Oh. Right. Well, how about the Falmouth Falcons? They sound fierce :D

—**Rachel Berry:** They do indeed. However, we're not from Falmouth, we're from Lima.

—**Finn Hudson:** Are you gonna shoot down all my ideas? :(

—**Rachel Berry:** No, I was going to suggest that we get Mr. Schue to change the name to the Lima Longhorns :)

—**Finn Hudson:** …Isn't that a cow?

—**Rachel Berry:** Yes, but it's also a species of dragon.

—**Blaine Morgan:** Finn's got a point, Rachel. You use that name and everyone's going to think you're from Texas. What about the Allen Ashwinders?

—**Kurt Hummel:** You're all idiots. We need a name that actually says something related to music while being intimidating. How about the McKinley Murroughs?

—**Noah Puckerman:** Dude, NO ONE is gonna know what that is. Just go with the McKinley Marauders and be done with it.

— (**Kurt Hummel**, **Finn Hudson**, and **14 others** like this.)

—**Kurt Hummel:** I never thought I'd say this, Puck, but here goes. You're a genius.

— (**Noah Puckerman** likes this.)

—**Rachel Berry:** I'll begin writing our petition tonight, so that we can present it to Mr. Schue by the end of tomorrow :)

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks for reading, and leave a review! I hope you'll check out some of my other fics as well, especially my _Expect the Unexpected_ series and pastlife!stories :)


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** So...I know I should be working on my _Expect The Unexpected _series, but I couldn't help coming back to this. I love Harry Potter discussions too much. Hope you like it :) Also, since I had to choose a last name for Blaine before 'Anderson' was announced as canon, his name remains the same as in previous chapters.

* * *

**Rachel Berry **cannot BELIEVE that Professor Flitwick rejected our appeal to change the Glee Club name! Does he not realize that having a dumb-sounding name increases our chances of being bullied in the hallways? Not to mention it sounds like an innuendo!

** — (Finn Hudson, Artie Abrams, **and** 13 others** like this**)**

******—** Noah Puckerman: I was on the verge of kicking him in the nads.

**********—** Artie Abrams: I know. Flitwick has some serious communication issues. He never listens to us.

**********—** Tina Cohen-Chang: Well, this time it might have something to do with the fact that Puck actually called him Professor Flitwick to his face.

**********—** Noah Puckerman: It just slipped out.

* * *

**Finn Hudson **had a weird dream last night that the entire Glee club, plus **Blaine Morgan**, was at Hogwarts.

**********—** (Blaine Morgan likes this**)**

**********—** Noah Puckerman: Dude! What House was I in?

**********—** Artie Abrams: Isn't it obvious? You'd be Slytherin.

**********—** Rachel Berry: Don't be so quick to judge, Artie. The four Hogwarts Houses are defined as follows: Gryffindors help to save the world when there is a demand for strength and courage; Ravenclaws help to manage it when there is need of cleverness; Hufflepuffs help to keep the peace by being loyal and accepting; and Slytherins help to lead the world when there is call to be charismatic and cunning.

**********—** Artie Abrams: …So Puck's from Durmstrang?

**********—** (Finn Hudson, Mercedes Jones, and **12 others** like this**)**

**********—** Noah Puckerman: Dude, that's OFFENSIVE.

**********—** Rachel Berry: Don't worry, Noah. According to the definitions listed above, you'd be sorted into Gryffindor.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: WHAT.

**********—** Rachel Berry: So would you, Kurt.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: Ohhh, no. No way. I am not being sorted into the same House as Puckerman.

**********—** Rachel Berry: So you'd rather be in Slytherin with me?

**********—** Kurt Hummel: NO! No offense, Rachel. But I'd fit best in Ravenclaw.

**********—** Rachel Berry: But while you are, in fact, very smart, intelligence is not your strongest trait, Kurt. It's either charisma or courage. Pick one.

**********—** Blaine Morgan: Oh my God, Kurt, you have your very own Harry Potter situation! You HAVE to ask the Sorting Hat to put you in Gryffindor. You are Ginny, after all. And you need to be in the same house as me.

**********—** Rachel Berry: Blaine, you'd be sorted into Hufflepuff with Brittany.

**********—** Brittany Pierce: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.

**********—** Mike Chang: What? Britt, where did you hear that?

**********—** Brittany Pierce: I dunno, Artie just told me to say it.

**********—** Blaine Morgan: I can't be Hufflepuff! I'm Harry Potter!

**********—** Rachel Berry: Despite the fact that you're the Boy Who Lived, the Sorting Hat would place us in our Houses depending on our own personality, not the House belonging to the character to whom we most relate.

**********—** Blaine Morgan: This is so unfair.

**********—** Rachel Berry: It was also unfair for Harry to be born the Chosen One and live with the Dursleys during his childhood. Compared to him, I'd say that you being sorted into Hufflepuff is a very minor problem.

**********—** Rachel Berry: In short, deal with it.

**********—** Blaine Morgan: Hmph.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel:** *sigh* I can't believe I'm saying this, but I guess I'd ask the Sorting Hat to put me into Gryffindor. At least Rachel's singing won't be constantly echoing off the stone walls in the common room.

**********—** Finn Hudson: That and you probably wouldn't be caught dead living in a dungeon.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: Also true. Moldy underground spaces are so not my style.

**********—** Noah Puckerman: Wait, I thought you lived in a basement?

* * *

**Lauren Zizes **fails to understand why her fellow Glee clubbers didn't give her an HP character. You bitches gonna pay.

**********—** Santana Lopez: I know who you are… :)

**********—** Lauren Zizes: If you say that I am the Fat Lady, Neville Longbottom, Moaning Myrtle, Arabella Figg, or Mrs. Norris, you will spend tomorrow in the nurses office with a dislocated shoulder.

**********—** Noah Puckerman: Back off, Santana.

**********—** Santana Lopez: I'm keeping it real.

**********—** Tina Cohen-Chang: There's only a limited number of times you can use that excuse, Santana. Besides, I think it's kind of obvious who Lauren is.

**********—** Santana Lopez: The Fat Lady? :)

**********—** Lauren Zizes: Bad move, Lopez. Bad move.

**********—** Tina Cohen-Chang: Uh, no. I was going to say that she's Rita Skeeter. Which, admittedly, is a little weird considering the fact that she's dating Puck (aka Fred/George), but I still think it fits.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: The mental picture of Rita Skeeter dating either of the Weasley twins just ripped my brain open.

**********—** Finn Hudson: Oh God. Mine too.

**********—** Lauren Zizes: Whatever. Rita Skeeter's awesome. I'm gonna turn into a beetle to help my spying business. And considering the dirt I dug up on Quinn, I'd say that Santana has a fair amount of reason to be worried.

**********—** Santana Lopez: Bring it.

* * *

**Blaine Morgan – Kurt Hummel:** Hey, Brittany texted me that you were at the hospital. What happened? Is it your dad again?

** — Kurt Hummel: **No, no, nothing like that. Santana's arm got broken during her fight with Lauren.

** — Blaine Morgan: **Whoa! Is she okay?

** — Kurt Hummel: **Yeah, of course. Lauren keeps saying that she did the Wizarding World a favor by ripping off Santana's Dark Mark.

** — Blaine Morgan: **I like her. She's a Gryffindor to the bone.

**********—** Lauren Zizes: Damn straight.

* * *

**Rachel Berry **is planning out a new number for the Marauders tomorrow!

**********—** Mercedes Jones: What song is it?

**********—** Rachel Berry: "Double, Double, Toil and Trouble". I only wish we had trained giant toads like they did in Prisoner of Azkaban.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: Okay, I say that we arrange and rehearse this on our own time so that we can suddenly perform it during Glee without letting Flitwick know what we're about to do. You know, just to freak him out.

**********—** Noah Puckerman: I am so down with that.

**********—** Blaine Morgan: Someone please tape this so I can see it.

**********—** Lauren Zizes: I'll work on setting up candid cameras in the choir room tomorrow during lunch. If Flitwick happens to find them, he'll just think it was Coach Umbridge and won't suspect us.

* * *

**Brittany Pierce** is on the hunt for giant toads!

**********—** Kurt Hummel: …Do I even want to know?

**********—** Brittany Pierce: It's for our Harry Potter number, silly.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: Someone needs to stop this before it hurts you, boo. Where are you right now?

**********—** Brittany Pierce: I'm not really sure. I'm in the woods sitting on a rock under a tree.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: Santana?

**********—** Santana Lopez: On it. Leaving right now.

* * *

**Santana Lopez:** Brittany's fine, everyone.

**********—** Artie Abrams: Thank the Wizard God. Where was she?

**********—** Brittany Pierce: I was in my backyard. We have a lot of trees.

**********—** Blaine Morgan: I love this girl.

* * *

**Brittany Pierce **couldn't find any giant toads. I just found one frog that could fit in my palm, but it hopped away.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: Aw, that's okay, boo. You'll find some others. After all, Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders :)

**********—** Noah Puckerman: Okay, even I have to admit that that was a bad joke.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: It was right there. I couldn't resist.

* * *

**A/N: **It's a bit short, but that felt like a good place to end it. Not sure when the next chapter will be up, but you can be sure that another one (or two... or three...) are coming. Leave a review!


	5. Author's Note

**A/N:** Sorry, this isn't actually a chapter, guys, but I had to let you all know in case you don't have me on Author's Alert that I've just posted a new story inspired by **Rapp Fan**'s latest review here, titled **This Isn't Hogwarts**. I won't tell you too much about it, but let's just say that if you liked **Of Comparisons and Harry Potter**, then you'll love this new story even more. And it's narrated by none other than Dave Karofsky! YAY!

...

...

...

What are you still doing here? Go read it.

...

...

...

IMPERIO!


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N: Okay, when the last chapter of the Facebook chronicles ended, the McKinley Marauders were planning on a surprise performance of "Double, Double, Toil and Trouble" to freak out Mr. Schue. Let us see where this plan takes them... :D**

* * *

**Kurt Hummel: **Okay, just finished the musical arrangements for "Double, Double, Toil and Trouble"! I'll pass them around at school tomorrow.

**********—** Sam Evans: Wait, what's going on?

**********—** Quinn Fabray: You don't really pay attention to this stuff, do you?

**********—** Sam Evans: Uhhh…

**********—** Kurt Hummel: *facepalm* Okay, I'm pretty sure even Britt's more up-to-date on this than you are.

**********—** Brittany Pierce: I know that we're doing a surprise witching song to freak out Professor Flitwick, but I don't see what calendars have to do with it.

* * *

**Finn Hudson — Kurt Hummel: **Did you really have to cast me and Puck as the giant toads in this song?

**********—** Kurt Hummel: Yes.

******—** (Blaine Morgan, **Santana Lopez**, and **8 others** like this.**)**

**********—** Blaine Morgan: I just laughed and my latte decided to come out my nose. The other Lima Bean patrons are giving me looks.

* * *

**Lauren Zizes:** The choir room is wired and ready to go for Operation "Leaky Cauldron."

**********—** Blaine Morgan: I cannot WAIT to see the footage from this!

**********—** Lauren Zizes: I'm hoping we startle Flitwick enough to make him trip and fall over.

**********—** Noah Puckerman: I love you.

**********—** Lauren Zizes: Shut the hell up and go butter the floor.

* * *

**Rachel Berry — Tina Cohen-Chang: **I don't supposed that you have any cauldrons/brooms/other witchcraft-y type props that we could use for "Double, Double"?

**********—** Tina Cohen-Chang: Okay, we've been through this at least eighteen times before, but I'll go through it this one last time. JUST BECAUSE I WEAR BLACK CLOTHES DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM A WITCH.

**********—** Rachel Berry: I never said you were!

**********—** Mike Chang: Better back off now, Berry. Tina's always armed with safety pins.

**********—** Rachel Berry: She is?

**********—** Mike Chang: I learned that one the hard way.

**********—** Artie Abrams: Uh-oh. Do we want to know the story behind this?

**********—** Mike Chang: No. You REALLY don't.

**********—** (Tina Cohen-Chang likes this.**)**

* * *

**Noah Puckerman:** OPERATION "LEAKY CAULDRON" IS OFFICIALLY A GO.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

* * *

**Mercedes Jones: **Three hours after Glee practice and I'm still laughing my ass off. My mom already thinks I need a straitjacket.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: I'm still in shock that the number went off without a hitch! I was expecting Coach Umbridge to sweep into the classroom and cut us off with an ill-timed "Ahem."

**********—** Mercedes Jones: That mental picture just restarted the laughing fits. Thanks a lot. My lungs are so sore at this point, I won't be able to sing for another three days.

**********—** Blaine Morgan: SOMEONE SEND ME FOOTAGE ALREADY.

**********—** Lauren Zizes: Hold your ponies, Hobbit.

******—** (Kurt Hummel likes this.**)**

* * *

**Blaine Morgan:** Note to self – don't watch a potentially hilarious video on your iPhone while drinking coffee in a public place. Not only will the looks you get be embarrassing enough, but the coffee that you are trying to get out of your lungs will inevitably end up on your phone. At this point, I'm pretty sure that the Lima Bean manager is considering banning me for life because I'm scaring the other customers.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: I take it you liked our performance, then? :)

**********—** Blaine Morgan: I don't think the buttered floor was such a good idea – since Flitwick fell down before you got started on the song, he kind of knew that something was up.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: Pssh. He thought it was a prank from Coach Umbridge. It was still funny as hell.

**********—** Blaine Morgan: This is true. But next time, go with a Bat Bogey Hex ;)

* * *

**Mike Chang: **Okay, I need a framed photo of the look on Flitwick's face when we suddenly stood up and started singing in unison in the middle of his lecture on Phil Collins.

**********—** Finn Hudson: Same here.

**********—** Noah Puckerman: Make that three.

**********—** Lauren Zizes: I can make copies out of a stillshot from the video I recorded.

**********—** Noah Puckerman: This is why I love you.

**********—** Lauren Zizes: For Mike and Finn, fifteen bucks. For Puckerman, thirty.

**********—** Noah Puckerman: Dammit, Zizes!

* * *

**Noah Puckerman: ** Hogwarts had better have waffles, or else I'm not going there.

**********—** (Artie Abrams likes this.**)  
**

**********—** Rachel Berry: I'm sure the House Elves could be persuaded to add it to the menu, Noah.

**********—** Artie Abrams: I think the House Elves are there to do what they're told. They don't need persuading.

**********—** Rachel Berry: RACIST!

**********—** Artie Abrams: They're a different SPECIES, Rachel! Plus, I'm not making a racist comment, I'm just stating the obvious!

**********—** Artie Abrams: …Is there a reason you're not replying?

**********—** Artie Abrams: Hello?

**********—** Artie Abrams: …She's headed over to my house with a baseball bat, isn't she?

**********—** Noah Puckerman: Better roll for it, dude.

**********—** Artie Abrams: Duly noted.

* * *

**Artie Abrams:** *Never* underestimate the little people.

**********—** Rachel Berry: I'd like to think you've learned your lesson.

**********—** Finn Hudson: Wait, did you actually beat up Artie with a baseball bat?

**********—** Artie Abrams: Worse. A microphone stand.

**********—** Finn Hudson: …Now I'm confused. Why is that worse than a baseball bat?

**********—** Artie Abrams: You ever been beaten with a switch? It's like that.

**********—** Finn Hudson: Why would I get beaten with a switch? It's attached to the wall.

**********—** Artie Abrams: Never mind.

* * *

**Santana Lopez**: "Get Back To Hogwarts" is now stuck in my head, thanks to **Artie Abrams** .

**********—** Artie Abrams: What? Why is that my fault?

**********—** Santana Lopez: You were humming it ALL DAY at school yesterday!

**********—** Artie Abrams: Okay, that's actually Sam's fault, since he was singing it before me.

**********—** Sam Evans: What can I say? I like AVPM.

**********—** Artie Abrams: …And yet you've never read the books.

**********—** Sam Evans: Uh, no. Why, are they much different from AVPM?

**********—** Santana Lopez: Oh, wow.

**********—** Lauren Zizes: I'm ready to beat the crap out of him when you are, Lopez.

**********—** Santana Lopez: How's tomorrow lunchtime work for you?

**********—** Sam Evans: Wait, just last week, Lauren snapped your arm! Why are you suddenly teaming up?

**********—** Lauren Zizes: A common enemy, Evans. That means you.

**********—** Sam Evans: *gulps*

**********—** Artie Abrams: Seems like you and me are both on the run, dude.

**********—** Sam Evans: Women are scary.

******—** (Santana Lopez and **Quinn Fabray** like this.**)**

* * *

**Mercedes Jones **thinks that **Sam Evans** should be sent to Harry Potter boot camp.

**********—** Sam Evans: Why does this sound vaguely threatening?

**********—** Mercedes Jones: Because it's supposed to, dumbass. I'm seriously looking up these camps as we speak.

* * *

********Sam Evans: Why is everyone out to get me?

**********—** Santana Lopez: Because you haven't subscribed to the Hogwarts cult, Grindy Mouth.

**********—** Sam Evans: Um… "Grindy"?

**********—** Santana Lopez: Yes. Grindy. As in Grindylow. This is why you need to go to boot camp.

* * *

**Quinn Fabray:** I just realized that if **Sam Evans** went to Harry Potter boot camp, he could role play as Draco Malfoy! This made my day much better.

**********—** Sam Evans: *sighs* You too, Quinn?

**********—** Quinn Fabray: That's Mrs. Malfoy to you.

**********—** Kurt Hummel: OH DEAR GOD.


End file.
